iez’s

if you haven’t heard me yelling, nagging, begging, screaming, crying, laughing, yawning, mumbling, or any sort of voice come out of my mouth, YOU ARE NOT DEAF!!

Thanks to whoever spread the virus to me, thanks to whoever made my days so stressfull and tiring physically and mentally, thanks to a bunch of students that i have to teach for 6 hours of experiment, and thanks to my carelessness in taking care of myself:

I HAVE NOW COMPLETELY LOST MY VOICE!!!

so enjoy your peacefull days for a while… when my voice comes back, i am sure you are going to miss these peacefull days… haha…
i feel like a dumb. i have many things to say and i just could not say it.
my housemate has been teasing me a lot because of this. for that, i’ve given her my middle finger twice today, and she said,"yeah… that says a thousand of words".. haha.. you got it, girl!

speaking of not having my voice, i realize that there are many other things that i want to say, which i’ve never really said it even though i could. let say, i really want to say:
1. i love my parents
2. i love my siblings too, including my extended family too
3. i really really hate a coward -whom i don’t know, btw- who have screwed up my life lately
4. i hope you (yeah, you!) will fight for me if you really want me
5. i am glad to have my friends who have been here with me through my happiness or sadness, healthy or sick… don’t get it wrong, we are not in a middle of a wedding ceremony…
… and still… many many more…

oh, before i forget, i wanna be a suppergirl and throw a shark to person number 3!

What ravages of spirit
Conjured this temptuous rage
Created you a monster
Broken by the rules of love
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do …
And I have the sense to recognize that
I don’t know how to let you go
Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
I’m ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
But I have the sense to recognize
That I don’t know how
To let you go
I don’t know how
To let you go
A glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within I’m shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you
I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
And I have sense to recognize but
I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go

things come and go… and they are not really within our control.
my life has been so hectic lately. everything just seems to go so wrong.
i lose many things i really want. i lose a thing that i’ve been keeping and admiring for long, and i feel life is unfair…
sometimes, i don’t understand why there are people who just seem to hate seeing my life moving on in peace. don’t waste your time, just mind your own business. but thanks anyway, you’ve made my life more exciting…

when i look around, again, perhaps life isn’t that unfair… thanks for those who have been there for me, i couldn’t really ask for more.
be brave…. yes, i will… try…

there are many shameless people around. in one or other way, strangely, they can get their way around without many people noticing their back route.

not fair….

no, i don’t like when ppl put so much expectation on me, and look me down when i could not achieve what they expect me to achieve.
yes, they may think i am a no brainer. maybe i am, or maybe i just happened to choose the wrong path.
can i turn back time?

it is 2:29 pm now
normally, this is my time to take a nap, or if im not at home, i will be yawning badly trying to kill my sleepiness…. but now, my body clock has somehow changed. i just woke up about an hour ago, had a shower and checked my emails - that i haven’t checked for several days, unusual me -
this is all because of the design workshop that i joined in the past one week. it is a join program between Nanyang Technological University, Singapore and Chiba University, Japan. there were 19 participants, 13 from NTU and 6 from CU. at first, i wasn’t really excited… now, i would say that this is one of the greatest experience i will tell to ppl when they ask me at the end of the year "what is the best thing happen to you in the past one year?"

ok, i shall write it here while everything is still fresh in my memory. we had a very packed program. we had several lectures from both singapore and japan’s professors, watch designer from seiko, plan visit to seiko singapore, group project, final presentation, tours, games, and lots of meals… -indeed, i gained 1.5 kg throughout this workshop-
the group project was very intensive, and we really worked hard in that. (shall i say that most of us were almost fall asleep in the lectures as we worked too hard for the group project? haha… psst… don’t tell the professors…) generally there were 3 members in a team, and we were asked to design a dream of wearable tool in the year of 2020. great topic… we can play a lot with our imaginations… due to the packed schedule and limited time, most of us almost could not finished the project. that bad, until nobody really went back home at the last night, working on our design and presentation. i guess the organizers expected that. they booked the workshop room and design lab 24 hour for us to use. my team stayed in the workshop room, some others were in the design lab, and the rest were in the cad/cam lab. nobody really slept that night. i was lucky that i could catch a nap for about 1 hour at around 6-7 am in the morning. nevertheless, the strong bond tied among ourselves and the learning experience worth much more than the hardwork.

that’s all for now… there are lots of things to write, it is just so messed up in my mind that i could not express them in words.
surely, i will miss all of you guys from the NTU-CU design workshop!   

perhaps you won’t realize how precious something(one) is until you lose it(him/her). sometimes it is just good to sit down calmly, and think: How if…. and when you cannot answer the how if, or do not want to imagine it, you should then know what to do.
it is easy to write it here. perhaps it is damn hard to even start doing it.

one week holiday in bali
i spent most of the time to hang out with my family members. i visited my sister with her newborn baby girl in jogjakarta.
vivi… cute baby, cries loudly, always hungry, and always successfully wake me up from my night sleep

i also spent lots of time with my other two nieces in bali
yaya… talkative, pretty long curly hair, talented for balinese dance, and with pretty high ego too
kayla… sweet girl, loves candy and chocolate, naughty, and can make the most tidy house untidy

through them, i realize that…. i am not ready to have a child on my own. no, not yet… not in a short term…

i was watching Hallmark channel when the phone suddenly rang…

me: yep?
she: i would like to conduct a short survey about use of electronics products at home. do you have time to just answer some of our questions?
me: yep… (although with hesitance)

part 1

she: do you use internet at work?
me: yep
she: do you use computer at work?
me: yep
she: how many hours a week do you spend working with computer?
me: (how would i know?.. ok, to be polite, i just say..) 10?
she: do you use internet for personal use?
me: (now she comes back to internet questions, sigh..) yep
she: how many hours a week do you spend browsing internet?
me: 4? (i believe it’s more than that. but, who cares? haha)
she: do you have mobile phone?
me: yep
she: how many hours per week do you talk on mobile phone?
me: (hey! i myself don’t know!) 4?
she: how many hours per week do you read and send sms?
me: (haha, she is gettin’ weirder and weirder.. if you ask me how many sms i write in a week, i may know.. you ask me hours?? i beg your pardon?) 1?

part 2:

she: can you please tell me if any of the people in the house have the following electronic device?
me: ok
she: television?
me: yep
she: plasma tv?
me: nope
she: dvd player?
me: nope
she: portable dvd player?
me: nope
she: gaming console?
me: nope
she: mp3 player?
me: yep
she: digital camera?
me: nope
she: video camcorder?
me: nope
she: mobile phone?
me: yep (you asked me this question already!!)
she: pc?
me: nope
she: laptop?
me: yep

part 3

she: how many laptop is there in the house?
me: 2
she: television?
me: 1
she: mp3 player?
me: 1
she: mobile phone?
me: 2

part 4

she: how do you connect your internet?
me: (internet question again???) broadbent

part 5

she: is anybody in the house plan to purchase the following devices in the next six months?

she: plasma tv?
me: nope
she: dvd player?
me: nope
she: portable dvd player?
me: nope
she: gaming console?
me: nope
she: mp3 player?
me: nope
she: digital camera?
me: nope
she: video camcorder?
me: nope
she: mobile phone?
me: nope
she: pc?
me: nope
she: laptop?
me: nope (arrggh.. this girl is driving me crazy)

part 6

she: are you a singaporean or pr?
me: nope
she: so you are a foreigner?
me: yep
she: sorry, this survey is only for singaporean or pr
me: (#!$%^$&!%$^&%$!$^*&%!$!!!) oh…?
she: but i appreaciate your time
me: ….

cleck…. tuuutt.. tuuutt… tuuuutt…..

……………

Sunshine fades to gray
The second I’m away
Minutes turn to hours
Without you
Time keeps marching on
Now summers been and gone
And I’m still here alone
Still waiting.

I’m on my own
A million miles away
Temptation all around
I won’t be long
So please be strong
Cos I’m holding on for you

Trust is all it takes
But people make mistakes
Cos we are only human
Lets face it
I struggle through the day
Pretend that I’m okay
I make believe that you’re here
Beside me

I’m on my own
A million miles away
Temptation all around
I won’t be long
So please be strong
Cos I’m holding on for you

You are the only one that I truly believe in
So don’t ever think that I would ever deceive you baby
Without a doubt you are my rhyme and my reason
And I won’t let you down

I’m on my own
A million miles away
Temptation all around
I won’t be long
So please be strong
Cos I’m holding on for you